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Telling your girlfriend about this hobby...
Posted: 2012-12-28, 5:27 pm

AshSupporting Member
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Posts: 245
Location: U.S.
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Hey guys,

Some time back I posted here asking for advice. I was considering telling the new girlfriend about my trips. After receiving some input I asked to the moderator to remove the topic, and he obliged. I did save the posting though... and now that some time has passed I thought it might someone may eventually find it helpful or if nothing else interesting... so I am reposting.

Below is the original post, and the replies. I'll do an update post after this one - so you can find out what happened.


Quote:
Hello all,

This is basically a request for some advice. If you have personal experience with this I would love to hear it. Or, even if you don't, I'd still welcome the advice.

I've recently started a very promising relationship with a girl. Essentially, I am falling in love with her... and, from what I can tell, I think she is at least starting to do the same with me.

Recently she questioned me on the number of sexual partners I had. Now, I had previously told her that I did not really want to discuss past relationships etc, with her, and that I would not ask her about hers. She seemed fine with it at the time, but did say she was curious -- as am I. For me it's just one of those things where I sort of want to know, but at the same time I don't want to know.

Anyway... she brought up the question, and I told her I wasn't comfortable answering. Immediately I could tell it bothered her. It's really the first wall we've come to. Her questioning and repeated references to it made it quite clear that she was curious and that it was an issue. After awhile, for her part, she did apologize for prying and she said that she knew it was difficult to share some things and that curiosity and jealousy was an issue for her and she was trying to work on it.

Now that said, I could probably say nothing and continue to avoid the issue and things would probably be peachy for some time... who knows how long... but I think it'd come up again. I don't think I can just say a number (I'm not even sure what that number would be) but I feel that if I DO say a number... or take a guess... that I just have to go ahead and tell her the truth.. that I frequented prostitutes for a time.

I have this idealistic and perhaps naive notion that in my ideal relationship there is total and complete honesty. I think it is hugely important.. and I am somewhat inclined to tell her. however, I am terrified of doing so. I feel like I am so close to having the relationship I want, with just the girl I want it with... like it is just right there in my grasp.. and I am absolutely terrified that it will all turn to ash if I tell her and she reacts negatively.

What do I do?

--------------

Doc
Posts: 260
 

It's clear from reading your post that this relationship means a lot to you and it's commendable that you have that desire to be totally honest on the issue that has come up but I would urge you firmly to banish any thought of confessing your past P4P exploits from your head and say fuck all about them.Some things in life are best left unsaid and this most certainly falls into that category. Given the fact that your girlfriend has already indicated she has jealousy issues I think there is way too much probability that the reaction will be negative and either end your relationship immediately or instill doubts in your partner that will come back to haunt you.

In terms of answering your girlfriend you can answer truthfully along the lines of : well I've dated x girls and had sex with y of them....you just need to ignore the P4P side of it. This may not be the ideal scenario for you but I fear if you expose the true situation the result will be you posting on this site announcing the breakup of your relationship!!

Good luck

Doc

---------------

bitman
Posts: 244

Very few girls would be open to accepting things like this. It is commendable that you feel the urge to come clean on the truth with her. You could tell her about your previous girl friends or relationships and in how many of them you've had sex. But, it is generally a bad idea to tell to a girl you are trying to have a steady relationship with that you've paid for sex in the past. Girls don't want to know that you've paid for sex...it is more than likely to be an anticlimax.

You have also mentioned that she told the key word 'jealousy' to you...a clear danger signal. This may also indicate that you have to be careful telling about your previous "girlfriend" relationships...if you don't put it to her in just the right way, it may attract more questions about a particular girl or relationship from her...a direction that is best avoided. And you can just forget about your paid exploits.

All the best.

_________________

ams2010
Posts: 31
 
I think if she has jealousy issues every time you go out alone she will suspect you are seeing a prostitute. You will come home to nothing but arguments and a life of misery. Stay well away from mentioning your past paid experiences imo. I'm sure you don't want to end up doing lie detector tests on the jerry springer or dr phil freak shows!

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davey1800
Posts: 1007
 
Why tell her about the prostitutes? Just tell her about your regular ex-girlfriends. If there were none, then make one up. If that's not enough for her then tell her to fuck off. I'm a charmer aint I? :P

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danny69 Power Kat
Posts: 838
 
No, but unlike him you're probably still single!

HolyShitBSE
Posts: 87
 
i'd be honest and tell her. if i were in your situation, i'd have to. it'd eat me up inside that i had lied to someone so close to me. if you can live with not telling her and forgetting all about it, then i guess that is all well and good, but if i were you i'd just have to come clean. really i think it boils down to just how much you want this girl, and from your posts it seems like you want her a lot.

i generally think that it comes down to what type of person you are, though. not that i am saying that others are in any way shape or form wrong by not telling her. at the end of the day, it's not really her business - it was your life and your life alone before you met, although it is natural and commonplace for girls to ask these kinds of questions.

honesty is the best policy! hahaha hey, you never know, her number could be a lot higher than yours! :D

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davey1800
Posts: 1007

Bollocks to that. He'd leave himself open to being dumped, ridiculed, humiliated... she doesn't need to know.

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brad 07
Posts: 660

If it were me – I would keep my mouth shut

I do understand the desire to come clean and you might very well feel better if you do, but sometimes I kindest thing is to tell less than the whole truth.

Think about it – do you really want every detail of her past?
Speaking from personal experience – I really don’t

My longest relationship (several years) ended, when my significant other felt the need to tell me the details of something that was already long over. She felt better but I felt like shit and was never able to put it behind us.

If it really in the past and it is not going to happen again, let it be your dirty little secret and move on.

But what the hell do I know – long term relationships are not my strong point.

Good luck - what ever you decide

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funboy3
Posts: 23
 
You've already said too much. The answer to how many sexual partners should always be the total number that you had consensual, free sex with, not pay for play. The pay for play sessions do not count. Keep them separate in your mind, and never, ever tell her about them. The average woman will not understand this, especially if she is an American (well, North American) women.

Good luck, but you have probably already mucked this one up beyond repair. Just remember the advice for the next time.

-------------------

RAY_IRELAND
Posts: 124

I do have experience of this from a long time ago. when I came clean with the girlfriend, in the early stages, she was quite shocked. She got over it & we had a normal relationship.

However, in hindsight, looking back on it, i should not have mentioned my past commercial sexual exploits. Its something which can rock a relationship to the core & even break it up. And u do not want that.

My advice: do not tell her.

-------------------

sun-n-fun Moderator
Posts: 561
 
I agree with Brad.

The past is the past. Do not discuss hers or yours. What purposed does it serve?

You mention pay for play and she will never trust you again. Let sleeping dogs lie.

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MrLynn
Posts: 77
 
Interesting.

One terrified, plus one absolutely terrified, plus she wants to know and seems upset if he does not tell her, plus he wants to know about her and thinks about it----but is afraid to ask.

And all of this is "hugely important".

I am older than dirt and have been around the block more than a few times. But I have never had anyone drill me on my past. Casual dirty talk sure. A question about steady or long term relationships-----sure.

But a true need to know-----hardly.

Sounds like a lot of drama. And self-induced drama at that.


funboy3
Posts: 23
 
Thank you Mr. Lynn.

I am in the same boat as you, almost old as dirt, but have been through this over and over. As you said... "self induced drama".

Well said Sir.

don't be dumb, as the Beatles said "Let It Be".

-------------------

amsterman
Posts: 1714
 
Also to consider...is your P4P life private?? If like most people, you keep it completely secret from family/friends, then if your girl reacts badly, can you gaurantee she won't blab to your nearest and dearest??

Once the secrets out.....the damage is done.

-------------------

sun-n-fun Moderator
Posts: 561
Location: NL
 
"curiosity and jealousy was an issue for her and she was trying to work on it."

Me thinks this may be the bigger problem. I would be very cautious of this relationship. You may find her to be a person who rummages thru your wallet, laptop. etc. Sounds a little insecure to me.

Been there, had it done to me.

Be careful.

------------------

Outkast
Posts: 61
 
"Baby, before you there may have been many, but now that I'm with you, there won't be any!"
-OutKast May 9, 2011

Hahaha

Seriously though, do what YOU think is the right thing but think it out in your head and ensure what you are about to do is indeed ok with your inner self. Seems like your "guilt" is a bit of an issue for yourself.

There are lots of strong point being made for why you shouldn't tell her about prostitutes. But ultimately, noone can put themselves in your shoes so it's your decision to make after you have processed the info/advice from here and other places that you've sought advice from.

Good luck, let us know how it turns out.

-----------------

HolyShitBSE
Posts: 87
 
amsterman wrote:
"Also to consider...is your P4P life private?? If like most people, you keep it completely secret from family/friends, then if your girl reacts badly, can you gaurantee she won't blab to your nearest and dearest??

Once the secrets out.....the damage is done."

gotta be honest i never even thought of this. excellent point.
-----------------
Roland
Posts: 301
 
Tell her the following which is probably a truth..........I paid for it once, a long time ago, and I didn't like it. It was awkward and I decided then and there that I would not find myself in that situation again. But I don't really want to talk about it any further.
Think that that might settle the matter.
Regards, Roland
Re: Telling your girlfriend about this hobby...
Posted: 2012-12-28, 6:03 pm

AshSupporting Member
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Posts: 245
Location: U.S.
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Ok - so for an update:

This issue popped up about 1 month into the relationship. After the posting here I decided to tell her, primarily for two reasons. 1) In telling her, I was taking a step towards my concept of an ideal relationship... of which total honesty and no lies is a huge factor. It just felt like the right thing to do. 2) I knew she wouldn't let the issue drop!

So what happened?

What do you think happened?! She freaked the fuck out lol! She was very upset. She did what many of you (and I) fear most, she told other people. She did what most girls do when they are upset and turned to her friends. Both of whom she had known for years and both did not live near me or know me at all. One of those friends the more conservative one, told her to have nothing to do with me. The other told her it was no big deal, that it was my past, that I didn't do it while I was with her etc... so not to worry. Well apparently this was little consolation as she also told her mom & brother. And another friend. WTF! I was pissed when she told me how many people she told... But then I listened to her as to what they said. Her mom said it wasn't a big deal and told her how her grandfather went on trips to Thailand a long time ago, and her grandmother knew all about it. Her third friend also said it wasn't a big deal. They were all fairly accepting of it. Eventually.. she accepted it as well and calmed down. She even admitted it turned her on. She did demand that I get an STD test, which I did, and after that it was all good. Several months later we moved in together.. and we've been living together for a year now. It still comes up from time to time, but mostly as a joke.

I've since met her mother, and she didn't bring it up or make me feel uncomfortable. I've heard she approves of me. I've also since met the 3rd friend and hung out with her several times. She seems to approve of me as well. It still irks me that my dirty little secret is out there... but the relationship and level of trust gained from it seems to be well worth it.
Re: Telling your girlfriend about this hobby...
Posted: 2012-12-28, 6:59 pm

neurosynthPower Kat XXX
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I'm happy for you...you got lucky. But don't assume you are off the hook 100%. She will be watching for clues that you have returned to your old ways. She may see clues where none exist. That conservative friend of hers may put ideas in her head when you have the inevitable arguments couples always have. Or some unrelated "small world effect" may reveal your secret to the wrong people at the wrong time.

I would still advise others to only reveal non-commercial sex. Other than mental games in your own head, there is no advantage to it and a thousand ways it can blow up in your face.

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Re: Telling your girlfriend about this hobby...
Posted: 2012-12-28, 7:44 pm

AshSupporting Member
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I completely agree.
Re: Telling your girlfriend about this hobby...
Posted: 2012-12-31, 3:57 pm

bitman
Posts: 410
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Man you have courage!
really apprecate your posts

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Cheers
Re: Telling your girlfriend about this hobby...
Posted: 2012-12-31, 4:14 pm

jefke
Posts: 151
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Interesting story and good news she accepted it, you are indeed courageous telling these things about your past.
Question: did you disclose the nr of visits/different girls and was this a problem in the case it was a rather high number?

Happy newyear.
Re: Telling your girlfriend about this hobby...
Posted: 2013-01-01, 5:57 pm

down
Posts: 123
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Ash wrote:
Ok - so for an update:

It still comes up from time to time, but mostly as a joke.

.


She fucking rules!

I share the same idea as you and think you should tell someone who you go with if you ever want to be close then they Have to know.
but its easier said than done.
I would say that I was insecure and abusing drugs and had a crazy life and was in a bad way in my past and blame it on that and then tell her and just say it was the past.


I know some one who owns a brothel and I asked her what her opinion would be on this and she told me don't ever tell a woman about this as they wont understand and they will be disgusted and she said that yeah maybe people might want to know your history but If I was your girlfriend I wouldn't expect to know all of them details.

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Re: Telling your girlfriend about this hobby...
Posted: 2013-01-01, 9:32 pm

neurosynthPower Kat XXX
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down wrote:
I would say that I was insecure and abusing drugs and had a crazy life and was in a bad way in my past and blame it on that and then tell her and just say it was the past.


BZZZZT. Wrong answer, but thanks for playing.

Most folks rightly know that anyone with drug abuse in their past has an increased probability of drug abuse in their future. Good intentions aside, those are the statistics. Her likely response will be to worry that you are more likely to go back to your old ways than a monger who didn't abuse drugs. And with that worry will come relationship dysfunction.

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http://tinyurl.com/eurolights - CLOSED FOR NOW - Sadly Google has disallowed public access to this map. I'm seeking alternative platforms. If you have suggestions, please message me!
Re: Telling your girlfriend about this hobby...
Posted: 2013-01-01, 10:29 pm

down
Posts: 123
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neurosynth wrote:
down wrote:
I would say that I was insecure and abusing drugs and had a crazy life and was in a bad way in my past and blame it on that and then tell her and just say it was the past.


BZZZZT. Wrong answer, but thanks for playing.

Most folks rightly know that anyone with drug abuse in their past has an increased probability of drug abuse in their future. Good intentions aside, those are the statistics. Her likely response will be to worry that you are more likely to go back to your old ways than a monger who didn't abuse drugs. And with that worry will come relationship dysfunction.


I figured if im going to be honest about the hookers then I should be honest about the drugs abuse as well, at least I can say Im 14 years clean from drugs and still going strong.

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I Always Remember The First Time I Had Sex because I kept the Receipt
Re: Telling your girlfriend about this hobby...
Posted: 2013-01-01, 10:41 pm

HolyShitBSE Power Kat
Posts: 542
Location: England, UK
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i'm glad you came back and let us all know what happened. to be honest, i had totally forgotten about this topic until i saw this thread. i'm glad it went well for you, because i was one who agreed that telling her was the right decision, and i'd feel bloody awful if it blew up in your face! haha

i myself have been through a similar situation in the last year, in which i came clean about my rather brief p4p experience, so i'm totally with you on this. i will also agree with a post above saying that you are very lucky. if you think about what could have happened, i think you've not done too bad!

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porno creep
Re: Telling your girlfriend about this hobby...
Posted: 2013-01-02, 1:42 am

brad 07 Power Kat
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Man - You have a pair
Glad it turned out well
Brad

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Brad 07
Re: Telling your girlfriend about this hobby...
Posted: 2013-01-02, 2:02 am

neurosynthPower Kat XXX
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down,

sorry, reading back my response it sounds a bit harsh. It's awesome you are 14 years clean. I was just saying of the following 4 statements:

(1) I used to see hookers a lot, but that was mostly because of my drug addiction.

(2) I used to have a drug addiction.

(3) I used to see hookers.

(4) ...silence...

(4) is going to cause the least amount of stress, and (1) is going to cause the greatest amount of stress, and (2) & (3) are going to be somewhere in between.

i.e. mentioning the drugs is not going to somehow make the hookers part easier to take.

Now whether you think honesty requires disclosure is another matter. My own assessment would be that if I cheated on her with hookers I might have to tell her in the sense that the wronged have a right to know. But if it's stuff that happened before I ever met her, sparing her the stress in the present about something from the past that didn't involve her might be the greater good.

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Re: Telling your girlfriend about this hobby...
Posted: 2013-01-02, 4:00 am

gezellig
Posts: 251
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Sooner or later I think this will bite you on the bum. I'd be more than peeved she told so many of her people.

I don't count the number of SPs as not only would I come across like an unbelievable Russell Brand, I think it a fantasy only a step up from porn. And I bet most men still have a crafty wank, yet not tell their WAGs...
Re: Telling your girlfriend about this hobby...
Posted: 2013-01-02, 10:22 pm

down
Posts: 123
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HolyShitBSE wrote:
i'm glad you came back and let us all know what happened. to be honest, i had totally forgotten about this topic until i saw this thread. i'm glad it went well for you, because i was one who agreed that telling her was the right decision, and i'd feel bloody awful if it blew up in your face! haha

i myself have been through a similar situation in the last year, in which i came clean about my rather brief p4p experience, so i'm totally with you on this. i will also agree with a post above saying that you are very lucky. if you think about what could have happened, i think you've not done too bad!


How did yours react Holy?

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I Always Remember The First Time I Had Sex because I kept the Receipt
Re: Telling your girlfriend about this hobby...
Posted: 2013-01-02, 10:23 pm

down
Posts: 123
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neurosynth wrote:
down,

. But if it's stuff that happened before I ever met her, sparing her the stress in the present about something from the past that didn't involve her might be the greater good.


good point

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I Always Remember The First Time I Had Sex because I kept the Receipt
Re: Telling your girlfriend about this hobby...
Posted: 2013-01-06, 12:43 am

billybob69Supporting Member
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Posts: 597
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Ash wrote:
Some time back I posted here asking for advice. I was considering telling the new girlfriend about my trips. After receiving some input I asked to the moderator to remove the topic, and he obliged. I did save the posting though... and now that some time has passed I thought it might someone may eventually find it helpful or if nothing else interesting... so I am reposting.


Thanks for reposting. I could remember reading it before and tried to find it before I started this thread -
viewtopic.php?f=24&t=21067

Thanks for the update. Man that was one brave move!

I'm thinking that this isn't the end of the matter as far as your girlfriend is concerned. In fact, I think that this is just the beginning of it.

I would be preparing to answer questions along the lines of -
How many girls? Why so many? The 'comparison questions' - What did they look like (in comparison to your girlfriend)? Did you enjoy the sessions? What was the BJ / sex like (in comparison to the sex that you have with your girlfriend)? Did you think about these poor girls be forced into prostitution when you were screwing them? etc, etc

bb69

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Re: Telling your girlfriend about this hobby...
Posted: 2013-01-07, 7:01 pm

AshSupporting Member
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Posts: 245
Location: U.S.
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Yes, there was further questions and details in subsequent discussions. It still comes up from time to time but the tone of the conversation and inquiries is much different than initially. She asked about # of trips, # of partners... # of visits per day... what they looked like & what kind of shape they were in, what the hygiene was like etc. All of which I answered as honestly.

There were the comparison questions as well. I told her they were quite fit & attractive and that in most cases they did just about everything possible to highlight their appearance. The comparisons of the actual acts though... i mean honestly they do not compare at all. The fact is that the few "GFE" of p4p don't match the actual real GFE. The real one is of course far better because there are deeper and different emotions behind the act.
Re: Telling your girlfriend about this hobby...
Posted: 2013-01-07, 9:28 pm

neurosynthPower Kat XXX
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You know most experts say that married couples (or those going in that direction) should actually be quite circumspect with each other about their sex lives before they met. Only harm can come from comparisons or giving details about intimacy, there is very little upside. And this is for previous legitimate girlfriends. I can't help but think it would apply double for hookers!

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Re: Telling your girlfriend about this hobby...
Posted: 2013-01-07, 11:59 pm

billybob69Supporting Member
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Ash wrote:
Yes, there was further questions and details in subsequent discussions.....There were the comparison questions as well.

Thanks for the reply. I've got a thousand and one other questions, but won't pry further.

Ash wrote:
The comparisons of the actual acts though... i mean honestly they do not compare at all. The fact is that the few "GFE" of p4p don't match the actual real GFE. The real one is of course far better because there are deeper and different emotions behind the act.

I guess that is the difference that needs to be stressed her; P4P is all about 'having sex' whilst being with your girlfriend is 'making love'.

I (and I'm sure many others on the board) really appreciate that you have taken the trouble to post the updates.

I hope that everything works out for the best.

bb69

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Re: Telling your girlfriend about this hobby...
Posted: 2013-01-19, 3:26 pm

HolyShitBSE Power Kat
Posts: 542
Location: England, UK
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down wrote:

How did yours react Holy?


not that well, but to be honest things could have been a lot worse. in hindsight i only realized that i came clean because of the guilt of cheating. it had nothing to do with p4p or the fact that i had used a p4p woman, and where before i was one of the few that encouraged ash to tell his girlfriend the truth i now realize that if i was in his position i wouldn't have said anything. let whatever is in the past lay to rest. i guess with feeling my own guilt in my own personal situation i let that "blind" me a bit to the scenario at hand. nevertheless, i'm glad everything seems to have worked out for ash and his girlfriend.

one poster above says that this will not be the end of it, and from my experience i cannot agree more. be aware that during any nasty arguments you might have this is very likely to come up and be used against you again and again. i have found as well as time goes on she seems more and more comfortable telling other people about it, which isn't great but i made my bed and i am willing to lie in it. in normal situations, your girlfriend will more than likely want to know nearly every detail and it will continue to come up in conversation. i know our circumstances are slightly different, but going through this over one girl was enough, best of luck going through all your exploits for your lady! lol

i have cheated before and not given a fuck but this time around it couldn't have been more worse. i guess i really cared about this girl and made a fairly stupid decision. i highly doubt i will ever do anything like this again, and any p4p will be for times when i am out of relationships and will remain MY secret hahahaha

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