Perhaps the most embrassing confession ever.
Posted: 2012-08-10, 12:16 am
chrisparr
Posts: 29
Location: United Kingdom
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Yes, you all heard me right. I have been haunted by this skeleton in the closet jangling around like some crazy jazz dancer since 2002.
It all started at Al's Plaice, it used to be an English type chippy on the Nieuwendijk. I am not sure if this establishment remains to this day, but I haven't been back there because I lay the blame at the door of Al and his ''Plaice''.
It was some cold January night. I'd just seen my ex-girlfriend off to catch her tram back to Amstelveen (remember the really good trams, that actually looks like Trams, rather than something that looked like Johnny Cab from Total Recall, totally soulless and wooden (much like the acting in that movie).
The cold crisp air made me want to scoff down some food and like a lighthouse to the mariner, the glow of Al's lured me in from the cold street.
I was shocked to first see Robin Williams working there. His sleeves rolled-up, impenetrable to the hot fat spurting around from the fryer as he shoved something in. No wonder he didn't take the threat of hot fat flying around serious, his arms were so hairy, like Captain Caveman or something.
Anyhow, upon Al's advice and his authoritive knowledge of frying potatoes and battering fish, I took the house special, which didn't seem to be different to anything else I noticed on the menu, and handed over my last few Guilden notes with their pretty designs on.
It tasted good, real good, just like momma used to make. So I thanked Al for his hospitality and not getting any of his arm pubes in my meal and made my way off. Like some sort of magnet, I was lured across the frosted cobbles of Dam Square, rushed past the 1980's Ruud Gullit like pushers on the Warmoesstraat and all the cock boys hanging around Gay Cinema and rushed like a crazed madman to some windows intend to make a night of it after feeling a burst of energy from Al's.
I settled on some woman on the Oudezijds Achterburgwal who had these fishnets on, who was, I think, Hungarian.
Seeing those fishnets curve and tighten around her legs, as she bent down as that whore went down to defrost my cock with her lips really got to me, so much so I felt strange rumblings I had never felt before during the times I had frittered away money on such pursuits. I thought it was because of her legs, never seen nothing like them before and tried not to think nothing of it and just let the cock-hound go to work slobbering over my cock.
I eventually got around to banging away and the rumbling got worse and my arse began puckering and my intestines felt like they were filling with concrete. She picked the worst moment to begin her dirty talk, made all the more hot and funny by her bad English, but then I couldn't hold it in any longer and some shit projectile flew out of my arse and skimmed the top of my boxers and went into some sort of air conditioning unit blowing hot air around the room and began melting and blowing shit all over the place, or hanging on like some circus chimp as it whirled and swirled around.
She looked shocked and began vomiting in a bin nearby, I threw some notes on the floor (the first thing I ever used the new Euros on).
In no time I was on the Rokin and needed to get rid of my boxers and threw them on some street sign. I walked past early the next morning and they were still there, like a flag of surrender to my most embarrassing moment ever in my favourite city.
I am sure Al's fast food alchemy was to blame.
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Re: Perhaps the most embrassing confession ever.
Posted: 2012-08-10, 2:06 am
Sportsman's?
Supporting Member
Posts: 37
Location: Lagos, Nigeria
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Chris, I can sympathize. Sort of.
Although I didn't have the pleasure of spraying my feces all over any room, let alone that of a wonderful working girl, nor did I have the pleasure of making anyone puke from it...I've had the "pleasure" of needing to clean out my boxers in Ignatz's very own Bluto's house...or former house.
He and I had gone to a local place that has fantastic buffalo wings. We both pigged out and used some of their extremely hot sauces. Delicious...but often causing serious intestinal issues soon after.
Well, we headed back to his place afterwards and all was well. He had to take a piss, and I was just standing around waiting (i regret not sitting on his bed) and had to fart. No big deal, just let it out. But from the split second I decided to release the 7000 psi gas I realized it didn't feel like a normal fart. I immediately sent signals to the sphincter brigade to close up the doors. But it was too late!
The high butter content of the sauce expedited and lubricated the travels of the extra hot spices through my intestines, and this bright orange sludge seeped out of my ass and into my shorts. Not sure what to do while Bluto was in the bathroom, I just waited, with shit in my pants.
Eventually I got to clean up, and drive home. I saved the boxers. Put them in a bag, for the journey and washed them when i got home.
Never trust a fart after spicy and/or greasy food.
_________________ "now play with my hamtits while I stroke my dog" - Iron Sheik 21/02/2011
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Re: Perhaps the most embrassing confession ever.
Posted: 2012-08-10, 2:41 am
BlutoBlutarsky
Admin
Posts: 1961
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Chris, thank you so much for posting this... I haven't laughed that hard in a while. You certainly have a way with words. :) This could happen to anyone but most wouldn't take the time to write about it. For doing so, I salute you... well done, sir! And I can confirm that the incident recounted by my pal Sportsman's? did happen. I did tell him I'd never mention it to anyone and I didn't think he'd post it here. Ahhh memories. So I can't come close to matching the OP here but I had an experience on my trip to Frankfurt last year that could have turned out much worse. Before departing the Bahnhofsviertel for FKK World, I decided to have lunch at a Turkish kebab place there. Got this lukewarm iskender plate (actual pic of the meal... not sure why I took it!) and managed to choke down half of it. Met up with two fellow pervs and we drove the 45 minutes to the club. Exited the car and, as we walked toward the entrance, I farted. Immediately I knew there was a problem, as my lunch had liquefied and clenching my cheeks was the only way I could prevent further leakage and hopefully save my jeans. We paid our admission and, as my new friends went to tour the club, I found the toilets and then the showers as quickly as possible! Put my lightly soiled boxers in a plastic bag I brought and was happy to find my jeans unscathed... luck was with me that night. No further incidents inside the club!
_________________ A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place. --Steven Wright
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Re: Perhaps the most embrassing confession ever.
Posted: 2012-08-10, 11:45 am
tonymunch
Power Kat
Posts: 734
Location: brighton, uk
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thanks guys, thats really cheered up my morning!!!
great to see you back Sportsmans?!!
Bluto, that meal looks VILE!! :-D
_________________ boobs, beer, tattoos and punk rock! http://tonymunch.blogspot.com
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Re: Perhaps the most embrassing confession ever.
Posted: 2012-08-10, 12:17 pm
chrisparr
Posts: 29
Location: United Kingdom
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No problem at all Bluto. This site has given me much amusement, I will be paying it back with interest for life!
I reckon you should stop inviting dodgy micers with bad manners and awful conduct like us around to your pad, before you get another Jackson Pollock of shite on your wall or something!
Who would have thought bad food could create such interest?
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Re: Perhaps the most embrassing confession ever.
Posted: 2012-08-10, 1:41 pm
greenhoff
Supporting Member
Posts: 3070
Location: sunny dorset uk
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what a shitty thread !!!!! lol
anyone ever had a crap in the Old Sailor ? if you"ve been in there, then you"d know what i mean lol
i had the misfortune a few years back @ Schipol whilst going to my plane
Was "cut short", and knew i wasnt going to make it, and dashed into the nearest toilet, and although there were a few guys waiting to have a crap, i found one cubicle with the door open. surprised and relieved i rushed in, shut the door and started to "pebble dash " the pan, to my horror, i saw the lock was hanging off, so stretched out and pushed my foot against it !!!!!! sadly........................
the doors at Schipol open OUTWARDS !!! i"ll leave you to guess the rest lol
regards
_________________ Need to be arrested by a tall,blonde female politie !! STOKE CITY FC
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Re: Perhaps the most embrassing confession ever.
Posted: 2012-08-10, 11:41 pm
tonymunch
Power Kat
Posts: 734
Location: brighton, uk
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greenhoff wrote: what a shitty thread !!!!! lol
anyone ever had a crap in the Old Sailor ? if you"ve been in there, then you"d know what i mean lol
genius! ;-)
_________________ boobs, beer, tattoos and punk rock! http://tonymunch.blogspot.com
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Re: Perhaps the most embrassing confession ever.
Posted: 2012-08-11, 1:42 am
br1965
Supporting Member
Posts: 479
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Sportsman's? wrote: Never trust a fart after spicy and/or greasy food. ...or never trust a fart after age 40!
_________________ e.
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If you ain't Dutch you ain't much.
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Re: Perhaps the most embrassing confession ever.
Posted: 2017-02-05, 10:22 pm
peter craig
Posts: 392
Location: UK
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Just revisiting this post and chuckling.....remember a post about a guy leaving a massive skid mark on a sheet and being kicked out ungraciously.
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Re: Perhaps the most embrassing confession ever.
Posted: 2017-02-05, 11:13 pm
josephallen
Posts: 194
Location: Lebanon
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thanks for replying to this thread.. i literally laughed my ass off reading it.. bahahahahahahaha man spewed shit everywhere hahahaha
_________________ a nice and happy life consists of travelling to amsterdam 4 times a year, each time for 3 months
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Re: Perhaps the most embrassing confession ever.
Posted: 2017-02-09, 10:02 am
redstar75
Posts: 135
Location: den haag/ UK
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Fantastic post and replies. Keep coming back to read it again. if i laugh much more at this i will be posting a very similar experience. lol Cheers
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