Here is a classic trip report that has come up in recent planning between some posters.
We owe you much Sir Withnail.
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having spent the previous 24 hours screwing, smoking and eating my way through alkmaar i found myself in room 13 of the stad en land watching dvd porn with fred and pepto. twas the morning of 29th of december and i was probing fred for info about den haag whilst tt boy (or insert similar porno stud) probed an unfeasably nubile blonde on the kommendants laptop. freds recommendation was the hotel mercure. and so after another evenings smoking and shagging i finally managed to vacate the stad en land a day late on the morning of the 30th and head south.

usual dutch efficiency on the trains and cheap too. the fare ran around 13 euros if i recall correctly (which i probably dont, blame coffeeshop High Times). scored a double room at the mercure for 82 euros a night and somehow wound up on the top floor (10th) with a huge window overlooking the old city to the left and a whole load of modern office blocks to my right. this was later to become quite a psychedelic 'seascape'. decent room with nicely stocked mini bar, well appointed bathroom, bathrobes and big tv. weather outside was seriously chilly so it was as much as i could do to muster the energy to venture into the great outdoors. eventually the lure of unknown coffeeshops and red light districts was too heavy a burden to bare and i headed for railway station hollands spoor knowing that thereabouts one might find fallen women. and so it was.

exit stage left from the mercure and one will find oneself facing in the general direction of geleenstraat, a walk of no more than about 5 minutes. on arrival in the vicinity i spied an interesting looking bar just accross the canal, cant think of the name but something suggested a sleazy undertow worth investigating. unfortunately the front door was closed so i never got to see what delights could be found within. ideas anyone? onwards into the red zone - a kind of giant t-shape filled with what seemed like about 150 or so windows. some really sexy looking honeys keeping warm behind the kamer glass. probably 70 women available at 3pm in the afternoon. later in the evening numbers swelled to 100 or more. withnails crotch swelled equally when confronted by a particularly well attired blonde but that bit comes later on.

from geleenstraat i strolled the 10 minutes back to the other side of hollands spoor station to seek out P and D straat, much chronicled by our friend el burro during his presidency of den haag. before too long the smell of freshly scattered urine steered me in to poeldijkstraat. this area was clearly designed for visual entertainment only, in the same way that the Victorians used to enjoy side shows featuring bearded ladies and the like. my god, a wretched lot on show here, some resorting to simply sitting there with their jugs hanging out over the top of an unfeasibly tight corset, waggling their tongues at those of us game enough to look. i struggle to forsee a set of circumstances where i may part with money in this particular entrail of town. a fun spectacle (strictly in the Victorian way you understand) and another RLD to tick off the big worldwide list but thats as much as i can offer it. i shuffled off to clear my nostrels and find doubletstraat.

i found it and lo, it was fun. this is a must see so long as you are not looking for your nina types. once again a comfortable 5 minute stroll from my last port of call, Doubletstraat enjoys many walk through areas reminiscent of alkmaar in a way though not as pretty. a most congenial atmosphere down here day and night with lots of guys out strolling, enjoying themselves. primarily latin and black ladies in this quarter so far as i could ascertain. after a short stroll i found myself burrowing into south america with some bird who seemed a little caracas. she broke into song halfway through the preliminaries in between swallowing my nuts one at a time like she was at a sunday dim sum buffet. not complaining mind, quite a sucksmith was this young hottie. im afraid that a month on im struggling to remember the moniker she gave me. still, 20 something, pierced navel, big firm tits, tight body, black negligee - try looking for that ;-) by the way, cost had been quoted originally at 25 euros but i ended up busting the budget and going a full 50 euros worth for extended 'dunkin donuts'. probably half hour all up, money well spent. thoroughly enjoyed doubletstraat and returned later in the evening.

decided to stock up on smoking supplies so began the search. found myself in what appeared to be a turkish quarter, close to pavilion street with a little coffee shop stuck on a corner named waterworld. not the most inviting looking place on the netherlands coffee shop map but in i ventured. purchased a fine skunk entitled 'jetlag' together with some silver haze. both turned out to be excellent quality so recommended. as the chill set in i decided to head back to the mercure via a little smart shop from whence was purchased 30 grammes of fresh columbian mushroom for 16 euros from an extremely babelicious young dutch teenie. oh lord, for what i was thinking may i be struck down (or at least charged 50 euros). so, as the cold night set in and the darkness fell i returned to room 1005 with mushrooms and all supplies.

well, let me just say that in den haag i enjoyed one of my most memorable trips ever. when i say trip, naturally i mean of the shroom variety. ate the whole box and half an hour later was transported to the set of a sci-fi movie. a seascape of funky modern office blocks with multicoloured lights shone on them became my gotham city. spent two hours sat in awe gazing out from a huge tenth floor window at gotham city to my left and the majesty of old den haag to my right whilst grommit skateboarders practised their tricks below me in the square. felt like the king of the world and made a vow to myself to head for las vegas soon and trip out on top of one of those huge casino hotels. tall buildings are the future for mushroom trips i decided and even vowed to cancel my reservation in amsterdam for new years eve and simply stay put in den haag, shrooming the night away. i know anybody with experience of psychedelics will understand my enthusiasm for a great trip - like the whole world is lit up and youre at the centre of it. a quite wonderful experience and a real highlight of my year in and out of the netherlands.

4 hours start to finish and the shrooms subsided. my penchant for french onion soup began to niggle at me once again so, one hot shower later, i ventured out in search of a fine eaterie. sadly i made the mistake of choosing den haags equivalent to fawlty towers, a pizza restaurant full of locals but clearly those who had never ventured outside the city walls to see what real pizza tastes like. the onion soup should have been referred to as gruel (though please sir, can i have NO more), the pizza made pizza hut look like an authentic trattoria. so bad was this place in fact that i somewhat rudely had a fit of the giggles whilst the waiter took my order, having to compose myself and mumble apologies. when i finally remember the name of said establishment ill post it here so you can avoid it. decided that the only thing to lift the spirits would be a healthy dutch dessert so off i traipsed in the direction of geleenstraat. devoured a quite lovely blonde in leather-look underwear. blonde, busty, tanned - just the way i like a dessert to be served. only let down for me was that dining at the y was off the menu, wouldve been perfect to get the taste of the soup out of my mouth. never mind. great athletisism from my companion, i shall expect to see her holding the dutch flag at the next olympics if she can spare the time off from the kamer.

all in all i loved den haag. im afraid im writing this almost a month after my visit but the other ignatzis will testify that i was positively buzzing about the place when i hooked up with them all in amsterdam the following night, new years eve. youll excuse me for not posting an in-depth analysis of NYE. ive read at least three already and my sentiments would be no different - a tremendous night out with the gang and a fitting finale to my december triple crown. 12 nights in the netherlands was certainly fun and just as soon as ive paid for it all i daresay i shall be back for trip 45. mind you, madrid is calling once again - look out for football and nookie shortly.

doog!

withnail

as always a brilliant read from withnail. I think he should have his own section for his reports in the drop down menus.

Dave

thankyou for your kind words, gentlemen. im mid-birthday celebrations right now, celebrating with a little sage which i collected from katsu this morning. taking a breather from the numerous free drinks lest i dont make it to cafe de klos this evening.

for your entertainment, another from the vaults....

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Withnail Rides Again - April 2003

well, four months after being sentenced to 3028 hail marys and a whole bunch of hows your fathers for my december sins, im back in the ol' ignatz confessional again. left schiphol on a jet plane late last night under tight security. as we were boarding people were being pulled out of line at random for body pat downs so not wise to be carrying contraband around this period (if at all).

ok, spent tuesday and wednesday night at the sas radisson hotel on rusland. decided to up the tempo on this visit with an upgrade of approximately 5 stars from my usual winston minimalism. hotel deals just now are too good to miss, in fact ive been surprised by some suggestion here of late about room prices actually rising. my own very limited research threw up quite the opposite result. room was a deluxe twin for 122 a night (normal rate 280). would totally recommend this place, exactly what you would expect from a top end business style hotel. good sized room, immaculately clean, excellent room service with marvellous food. even the pizza was notable by its 5 star lustre. very chilled coffeeshop opposite, the rusland. lovely afghani sharriff hash was purchased here which really hit the spot.

hit the streets running about 4pm tuesday and spent the next few hours meandering my way about the wallen and the singel plus anywhere in between. purchased some lovely fresh temple ball from the greenhouse effect along with stardust from the rokerij (non-descript average skunk) and began the roed safari. slim pickings. i honestly cannot remember the last time i saw the walletjes so quiet as it was on tuesday evening. in fact i think it is THE quietest ive ever seen, both in terms of girls and foot traffic. surely even ajax v ac milan live on tv couldnt have that effect? seriously began to wonder what was going on. seemed to spend the whole evening smoking, walking, staring at empty windows, fending off hordes of street dealers and african street hustlers and just not getting the vibe from any girl. to cut a long story short, ended up in oude nieuwstraat in the company of 'sarah' of costa rica. it was the tits. nothing else, i dont think, having revisited the scene of the crime the next day. 40 euros was the requested fare and a spirited ride was offered. lovely fake orgasm to finish (her, not me). all it needed was a triple axel and it wouldve been a 6.0. a slightly vintage number but friendly and well priced. to be found daytime wearing all in one body stocking type thing. a friend meanwhile sampled noelle of stoofsteeg and recommends the 70 euro option highly.

wednesday and the day begins with a trip down the greenhouse centrum. previous readers may recall how the sadist in me enjoys the 'good afternoon cunt, what do you want?' charm of the barstaff and the latest incarnation was determined not to see their crown depart. stocked up on nevilles haze and hollands highest haze and attempted to persuade somebody to serve me at the bar. staggering arrogance prevailed once again and off i walked, happy and absolved. ambling out of spuistraat in search of the singel poontang and my beedy red eyes meet with those of belinda. black dress, stockings, bleached blonde hair(head) and powder pink lips - im in. she says 'dont you want to know the price?' as the curtain closes. hmmm, my negotiating is failing me. 30 euro for suck and fuck, says the patron. up the stairs and into the largest red light kamer i have ever come across (or in, on etc...) first thing i see is a full sized set of medieval stocks and an array of torture equipment unseen outside camp x-ray. anxious. comfort levels are restored by the confirmation that 'sex normal' indeed forms an ancillary part of the menu. agreed on 70 euro for half hour s + f + e. end up getting all and more in a session of real gusto. what a woman! if you like late thirties dutch housewife types then make a note in your palm pilots for this one. not a tromp tv weathergirl type but 11 years tangible experience is hard to beat. and BEAT you she will for a few dollars more! spent about 20 minutes, after after id 'lobbed my yoghurt', laughing and joking with belinda about all the equipment, during which time she managed to 1) thwack me with a large leather whip accross my bare back 2) hang a metal nipple clamp off me which had me braying like a horse, though not in the 'perv ponies' kind of way she may have hoped 3) surprise me with a large leather paddle, as i struggled with my strides, right across the arse. well, after reading all darkside oranges posts i wondered whether this lady was going to truly 'turn me out' but i skillfully managed to steer the conversation from anal fisting to the subject of decorative belgian embroidery in a matter of seconds. anyway, to reassure viewers, all of the above was entered into of my own free volition(though without my parents consent) and was a bloody great laugh!! visit, enjoy the lady. an all round terrific and fascinating person. lesbian scene available, see local press for details.

wednesday evening is spent toking and leering. the wallen just completely came alive, the complete polarization of the previous night. im not very good with the superstar names, locations etc but for the statistitions amongst you i certainly saw nina, clarisse, puzzle lady, lisa of denmark, joy of sweden/mars, daniella of rome, irene plus numerous others all available. the kamers were heaving with beauty with a very high level of occupation. so make a note guys, wednesday is party night! personally dont favour the wallen thing so didnt indulge but eye candy straight from the set of a porn movie. no sign of suzanne of 120, different girls in her window constantly. a concern.

thursday and check out of the radisson. settle up then straight to the rusland for a quick smoke before heading north. roll up yet another joint of NYC diesel, my second bag. big thanks to the guys on the board who have name checked this fine fine bud in recent months. picked it up for 8 euro a gramme at hunters bar on warmoestraat and what a beautiful taste, like a cross between smoking a pot of mixed herbs from the kitchen and a freshly laid lawn is the only way i can think to describe it. zig zag to centraal station then my buddy and i are alkmaar bound.

arrive alkmaar mid afternoon thursday and hop a cab to te laat. have to direct the driver myself which is an interesting twist. not just that but we are subjected to a tape of brotherhood of mans greatest hits for the duration of the journey. stunned? i was. glad to disembark before tinitus set in, we check in to room 6, via a metal staircase which appears to be on loan from the dangerous sports club. wash cocks, change socks and we're headed for the achturdam. before you know it im inside a bulgarian.

sylvia is 25. long, dark hair, good sized anchors on a slim hull and a real cute face. like kylie minogue but with grown ups breasts. agree 35 s+f and i begin to disrobe. turn to talk to her and discover that the girl is suddenly a foot shorter. now, have you ever seen the 'jackass' where the guy goes into the portaloo huge then comes out as midget? thats all i could think of at the time. turns out shes been wearing about 8 inch heals, maybe more. never seen anything like these shoes. so suddenly i can rest my chin on her head. must be less than 5ft tall. BUT, what a dynamo! great head followed by your author doing his best peter north on top then, at her request, 'doggie' (say with bulgarian purrrr...) wonderful. highly recommended. as a point of interest, my partner in crime 'met' the lovely nadine of hungary and raved for two days.
while i think, visited two coffeeshops in alkmaar this time out, de brug and zero zero. the first is a nice shop if a little claustrophobic. sampled their K2, ice and white widow weeds plus the semtex hash. semtex a real winner, K2 also extremely favourable. zero zero had some nice skunk but dreadful 'buddha thai', absolute crap.

thursday evening and im back in the achturdam. pretty nice selection after 8 o clock, certainly something for everybody. seems to be exclusively east european and talking to the girls they seem to confirm this. all are very aware that working away from alkmaar could be suicidal for them. when id been in town december just gone id noticed a sort of 1940s looking bleached blonde on the main drag. hadnt approached but something had certainly stirred. this time found her located within one of the inner sanctums looking saucy as ever. 35 euros later and i can report that simona of romania is, indeed, a very nice young lady. not mindblowing, certainly not a repeat visit, but for 35 a beauty! one for the fans of romanian techno folk music. she likes it. a lot. ... oh and big tits.

friday and the laat people want to change the room. its 10.15, check out at 10. apologies all round then its off back to the achturdam with count draculas eyes. a joint at de brug, a stroll through the 'hooker village' and we're off to the station. and so it is that, bags stashed, we find ourselves on the number 16 tram and headed for de pijp. jump out at albertcuypmarkt and the sun is beating down with some real heat for the first time in three days. strolling along the ruysdaelkade and there are some really pretty women on display. always seem to be a lot of dutch girls working here which makes a welcome change. no sign of bianca or her betty boop doll but i do find myself drawn to a beautiful young blonde wearing white stockings and suspenders. now, i have a real penchant for aforementioned garments (though they really are a little tight around my ever increasing stomach). im pleased to say they appear to be making a comeback around the various RLDS. mustve seen at least a dozen girls kitted up to the max so if sussies are your thing its shooting season in amsterdam right now. i digress. 35 euro is quoted for s+f. fine, says i. breasts unfurled and i am in heaven. totally natural, just a great pair of tits!! dont know quite what to say about what happened next. had a wonderful session, got on like a house on fire and ended the encounter with her hunting frantically about the kamer to find a pen in order to give me her phone number and email addy. made me promise id keep in touch and told me i was a very nice man. a pleasant and unexpected finale.
as always, if i think of any other bits 'n' pieces worth adding then ill post further. otherwise, thats all for now folks!

doei!

withnail

Another classic mate, I find myself rolling about laughing at some of your one liners.

I'm sure it's great for you now that you're living there but I think the board has missed out a bit. I remember the days not so long ago when there was a hardly a weekend went by without a new trip report from you.

Keep up the good work

Dave