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Funniest sex write up ever
Posted: 2011-11-09, 4:42 am

technolight
Posts: 90
Location: scotland
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Honestly you will find this very funny,

This Profile is being updated .... I am starting to add material to vids and pics .... but this site takes so long to do it .... it is a slow process but material will be added regularly ....

From October I will generally be available weekday evenings for cam shows .....

I will also be available as an escort selectively ..... I need to know what you are into ....

In the meantime .....

I fondly remember when my mummy used to tuck me in at nights ......
She always wanted a girl.

My mum and dad were both secret crossdressers .......
But I knew ...
They were too Transparents

Transsexual advice centre ......
Dial 8 for an internal line.

Went into a gay delicatessen yesterday ...... Got myself Ham Fisted .....
It's my own fault I shouldn't have laughed at the size of his salami.
I only went in for a Mince Round ....

I have been constipated for over a month now ... No Shit!

Why is it people always assume you are looking for something ......
..... Just because you leave the house with a metal detector ?

Bless me sisters for I have sinned .....
Just because I like to bash the bishop ...... it does not make me religiously intolerant.

I've been campaigning to get gloryholes put into the confession boxes in church ..... It might actually encourage me to go to church .... I'm not even catholic, I just feel it would be a good way to get introduced to the Priest'shood, or are they usually circumcised?

I'm sure the priest in our church likes crossdressers ...... He keeps asking for Hairy Mairys.

Last time I went to church I took a fish with me ..... I wanted the Minister to pray for my sole.

I was told there was no way I'd ever see the pearly gates .... Hell I'd settle for a pearl necklace. I'm not a greedy girl.

The minister suggested I touch his penis ..... when I did it grew towards the heavens. I wondered what would happen when he came .... and then it hit me.

Anyway, it would have been nice if, after I had received the priests blessing, I could have stayed around to witness the second cumming too. Instead he took me up the apse to see the big dome.

I have just been involved in an accident .....
I fell asleep at the wheel.
It was a complete mess .... Clay Everywhere!!!
Where's that Patrick Swayze When you need him? I think he's given up the Ghost ....

I'd like to try sex where I get completely covered in a fizzy orange drink .....
It's my Fanta See .....

Otherwise ....
I seem to be living in a constant state of fear .....
..... Still at least there is no hiccups.

I've just won a modelling contract for Poundstretchers own Shampoo .... Because I'm Worthless.

I went out for a curry last night and my arse is really sore today ..... Honestly, I can't believe the things I do for a free curry.

One of my friends is a fat, alcoholic, transvestite.
All he does is eat, drink and be Mary.

I have to say though I am not so sure about bukkake .... it's just so in your face. First time I tried it I had terrible indigestion .... that'll teach me. You can't have your bukkake and eat it too.

Another of my friends is really into swinging. He likes to wear rubber masks and maid's dresses ...... He thinks he's a Gimpansy ..... He's bananas.

I have a big Fetish for Farmers. It's the way they stand out in their own fields. I offered to be a scarecrow for one. He told me to get stuffed ....

I have just had a wank with rubber gloves and soft tissues. I just thought I'd cum clean.
It was such a turn on I came in a jiffy .......

I also masterbated yesterday between two slices of bread .....
Would you believe it ... I caught a yeast infection.

I tried tying my eyelashes in long braids. It wasn't my own idea. I copied it from someone else. I couldn't see and fell down the stairs. I broke my left teeth, my middle testicle and 6 nails on my right hand. Just goes to show you should never plaidyoureyes.

Went shopping yesterday for some new lingerie for the weekend. I went to Anne Summers and splashed out on a gorgeous basque and panties ..... of course they made me pay for it after that.

SEX CHANGE REVERSALS

..... USE BOSTIK ......

Of all the joints...... in all the world ... He had to walk into mine ....
Still that'll teach him to watch where he is going .... burnt his shirt and nipple .....

CHEAP ENEMAS .....

CLEAROUT SALE ........ ALL STOCK MUST GO.
(No returns accepted)

It's been a sad week because one of my best friends has contracted the Human Pavlova virus ...... She can't stop eating cakes ....

Talk about wierd fetishes. I had an admirer on here who liked eating bricks and cement ..... but it's ok he's awa' noo ......

Two of my friends have just gone through with a sex change recently. One went parachuting and came down to earth with a fudd .... the other went on holiday and came back with twolips from Amsterdam .....

I have considered the full sex change myself, but I am worried the doctors make a c*nt of it ......

How embarassing On Tuesday I went out for dinner and I had a run in my tights ..... Still it gave the other joggers something to look at ......

On a lighter note I'm just back from the local car boot sale and I have managed to sell 3 pairs of my old tatty boots ..... boots for picking potatoes ...... It goes without saying I spent all my takings on some new toys ;o) I mean what else is a girl to do when she is left all by herself ...... I got Ker Plunk, Buckaroo and a just in case it becomes an olympic sport a kite with no strings ..... but quite frankly I don't think it will take off ......

I am still into swinging at the moment ..... All I needed was a little push to get me going. Had a shot on the roundabout too but felt a little sick ..... Would be interested to hear from other swingers to share experiences. Personally, I feel it leaves me going through a lot of highs and lows.

I have also been trying to make my way around the rest of the park equipment but I am worried I chute too early ..... If anyone has any advice on how to prevent this then answers on a postcard please to .......

Miss Information
1 Hardon Avenue
Upper Queen's Gate
Scottland
PO BOX: 1TV69

........................... Now if you want to know about me, me, me ............................................

All of my pics have been touched up to hide my wooden leg and glass eye ......

But please, if you can get past the stench of pee,the acne and the melted bits of plastic surgery I have a wonderful personality that is if you like a narky, old bitch on her period ........

I don't own any of my own clothes, I am sponsored by Poundstretcher.

I am considering getting a tattoo but I don't think there is space for a big pipe band in my bedroom ....

I am pierced in my left knee, my right shoulder and third nipple.

I don't drink. I am drip fed.

I am addicted to worming tablets, talcum powder and chocolate Santas.

I am 35 .......... 5'5" without my wooden leg and clogs.

I am not looking for anything it's just the glazed look on my face probably due to my overdose of Dr Pepper I had when I was 19 and couldn't live with being a tranny any more.

I like Camping ...... It's Intense!!!

I don't have an indoor cludgy but I keep the sess pit clean, I promise. I even have an air freshner in there along with a small basket of potpourri....... Tips I have gleaned from Carol Smelly on Changing Rooms .....

I do like to play with myself ......... usually at scrabble because I don't mind if I use swear words or can't spel.

I always have arguments with myself, no I don't, yes I do, No I don't. I suppose that is inevitable when you are schizophrenic and incontinent. So please don't take the piss.

I like big macs, snow ploughs and feeding chickens in the zoo.
Romance is high on my agenda ..... I love to watch big brother, Bird watch with Bill Oddie and have candlelit dinners in the local dogging spots. A bottle of maceline cider and I am anyones.

I don't know what sex is but I have heard it's bad so I am afraid to discuss the subject in case I am sent to hell ...... I pass through Dundee sometimes but I don't want to live there.

Things that make me wet : Rain, showers and my bad BO.
Things that make me hard: My tough upbringing in the Ned gangs when I was at school, My period and Rigormortis.
Things that I enjoy: Daniel O donnell, Quincy, The Colby's, plucking out my ingrowing hairs, cheap cider and when the wind blows in the opposite direction.
Things I hate: people with two legs, Double D egg cups and waking up.
Things Under my bed: Worms, prosthetic limbs and usually my glass eye as it rolls out when I sleep.
Things that I fear: Radiators, pink Y-Fronts and single socks.

I am very musical I play the one armed banjo, the recorder and I adore the singing kettle.
I play lots of sport. Tiddlywinks, crazy golf and british bulldogs are my favourites.
I like fashion too ..... I knit my own leggings, I like to wear luminous socks and jesus sandals, weather permitting.

I like people with a good sense of humour as they can laugh with me at my lopsided ears, my squint buttocks and having one hand twice the size of the other.

I am considering going on the game. I like pheasant, rabbit and venison even if it is a little dear.

A smile is infectious I have caught malaria, typhoid and gangeris hypocondria from smiling when I was in a little chef in Stranraer. We were trying to move to Kazakastan but my parents left me and ran away. They tried to make sure I was warm by wrapping me in celophane, puting me in a wooden box and burying me in the garden.

Don't contact me if you are Cliff Richard, little Mo from eastenders or Wurzel Gummidge unless you have the thinking head on.
Do contact me if you are Iggle Piggle, over a hundred or have 8 limbs.

I like ballet, burping and scampi fries.
I have a pet potatoe that can dance to Bee Gee music.

I like men with ZZ top beards. If you can't tuck it in your socks I am not interested. I like my women the same, especially the ginger ones.

Dualling banjoes to the right, feel free to tip the waiter or join my paysite ye tight b***rds! I need to be kept in support stockings and incontinence pads .......

If you like what you see you should have gone to specsavers ....... probably through too much wanking when you were in the convent ....... ten hail mary's and a bottle of buckfast to you.

I have purged many times. I have thrown out my camel, my sombrero and my Dana sings Kumbaya album ...... but couldn't let go of my Foster and Allan greatest hit Vinyl.

I am a born again virgin and Val Doonican saved my soul.. please do not try and dissuade me I wear the jumpers with pride.

thanks for listening I have been Kirsty Scott .. must go change my colostomy bag, it just doesn't match my shoes anymore.

Right and for the encore I will stick things up my ass and touch my penis ......
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