I've been in the wars a bit over this last week. Firstly on Wednesday morning I sufferred a recurrence of an old rugby neck injury. When I awoke I could barely turn my head so paid a vist to the urgencias ward of my local hospital. They sorted me out with painkillers, anti-inflammatories and a neck brace. Now the sensible thing to do was to return to Casa Burro and recuperate. However as fellow consultants and contractors will understand only the most grave medical incapacitance will keep me from clocking hours on the job. So I headed off towards my workplace. Then complete insanity took over. It occurred to me that my route to work from the hospital would take me near some of my favourite brothels in Madrid's Salamanca district. It was noon now so some would be open for business. What the fuck was I thinking? Inevitably my journey to work was temporarily suspended as I found myself ringing the bell of a privee apartment. I must have created quite a sight for the cute Ecuadorian babe who answered the door...."ah, probrecito, ven aqui. Voy a cuidarte". The sexy latin lady led me away to her bedroom and carefully undressed me then laid me down. I was then treated to what can best be described as a bed bath as she washed my todger with bowl of warm water and soap. bbbj was great but what followed was total madness. She rode me while trying not to move my head or neck. It felt lovely and really got me going. I felt the need to engage a little doggy to finish. She helped me up into a kneeling position and then plunged her hips back into me. She went at it for a while then I caught siight of our reflection in the bedside mirror....for fuck's sake, what a sight...something out of an old "carry on" film. Wierd looking blanquito gringo in neckbrace shagging slinky cafe-con-leche chica.

Anyway, that incident was pretty insignificant to what occurred two days later. My neck was soon sorted and the brace was dispensed with on Thursday. My mate Dio arrived in Madrid the same day. We had planned a weekend together partying with the ladies. And then.....

Fellas, I really thought I was in deep trouble during the wee hours of last Friday morning and feared another uncomfortable drive over to the Urgencias ward of the hospital. Me and Dio were visiting a 150+ girl facility an hour's drive south of Casa Burro . I was soon tempted upstairs by a tiny Brazilian spinner. Not my usual type but incredibly raunchy with a gorgeous bubble butt. The vibe was spot on so I went with the flow. We fooled around in the bedroom while stripping eachother then Luana led me to the bathroom. She sat me down on the bidet and proceeded to give my todger a thorough scrub down. Usual procedure in a Spanish club. However it was soon apparent that the Brazilian was more thorough than most as she used her little pinky to clean a very tickly part of my anatomy. She plunged it quite deep causing me to jump. Then a new one on me! She carefully sprinkled a heap of sugar along the shaft of my cock. This took me by surprise however I found the prospect of how this may pan out to be quite intriguing. A tube of white cream was produced for the next part of the process. She explained that this was product she brought over from Brazil specially for cleansing intimate places. Sounded good to me as I've experienced the genital creams applied by Bangkok soapy girls during my visits to the best massage parlours on thre face of the planet. She started to rub it over my sugar coated knob and slowly the granules dissolved. The immediate sensation was slightly abrasive. The...bang! Shit....my bell end started to sting! Within seconds the intensity was unbearable. FUCK....FUCK....FUCK.....red alert! I reached for the bidet tap to douse the fire. Luana tried to stop me exclaiming..."don't worry, you feel a bit hot for a few minutes but soon everything will be ok". I was having none of that, this was fucking killing me. I got the tap on at full blast with maximum cold setting and directed it at my knob. Relief! After a few minutes the immediate pain had been quenched. However another concerning sensation was developing. My shaft and balls were heating up to dangerous levels. Oh my God....this is too much. I got that tap on full jet and spent the next 15 minutes in vain squatted at that damn bidet failing to quell the pain. At first Luana giggled at my predicament and teased me about being a softie. While I was frantically trying to find relief she was thrusting her hairless fanny in my face and demonstrating how she could apply the cream to herself with no ill effects. But as time wore on she became more sympathetic at my obvious distress.

After 15 minutes I wasn't sure if I was feeling any better but obviously couldn't spend all night on the bidet so toughed it out and went to the bedroom. Luana then made use of the bathroom by herself. By the time she was ready I could bear no more and dashed back to the bidet. Another 5 minutes jet blasting with cold water and I sensed a marginal improvement. So back to the bed. Luana began the pampering and after a while carefully started to direct her attention to my todger. I was still feeling a lot of heat and stinging in that area however I did find a Brazilian tongue to be quite soothing. It was also quite relieving at first when she took my bell end in her mouth however after a few minutes of sucking the heat intensity was too much and I had to beg her to refrain. Next was to apply some of her lube which had a really nice soothing affect. Luana then produced a condom and told we should try shagging....hmmm. Wrapping my burning todger up in tight fitting latex did not seem like a good idea. I shook my head. The Brazilian sexpot gave me a quizzical look and announced that we would fuck bareback considering how much I'd suffered. I apologised that she misunderstood me and explained that me shagging this night was out of the question. Luana seemed really dissapointed that I was going to go without and expressed regret at what her "special cream" had done to me. Now I was the one trying to reassure her everything was ok and not to worry. As time panned out the burning session was fading so my relief at not having to visit hospital far outweighed any disappointment at not getting to shag this sexy spinner. We fooled around together for another hour or so. The samba queen even showed me a few dance steps to her favourite Brazilian tunes.

In the meantime Dio was downstairs oblivious to my trauma however was anxious that I had disappeared for well over 2 hours. A text message came through on my phone. I realised it was time to cut my losses go back to the bar. We dressed and I slipped a 50€ into Luana's vanity bag. The Brazilian immediately tried to hand the note back to me saying that I didn't owe her anything as she hadn't given me what I came for, was responsible for my sufferring etc etc. What a sweetheart. It took quite an effort to get her to accept my money.

By the time I joined Dio downstairs I was virtually back to normal. But what a scare! From now on I'll be performing a careful inspection of any product that comes anywhere near my genitalia.

Ah, you fell for the old "Rub Johnsons nappy rash cream in my fanny and switch it for Deep Heat to stop him fucking me" routine.

Classic on five continents.

Pissed myself laughing. Sorry that it was at your downfall though. I just kept thinking of my first experience in an Indian house as a young man, when I experienced the lady of the Hous's cooking. Hmmm

Why don't more people have such half serious adventures!


the image of the neck brace, the red todger, the painkillers, the bidet and the girl thrusting her womanhood in your face... just too Laurel and Hardy for me..

Yes, many of the FKK reports I read seem to go far too smoothly. Are there no other aspiring Frank Spencer characters out there? Though Mike, I notice you got into a few scrapes in the emirates.

By the way, I went back to see the sweet Venezuelan this evening....sans neckbrace. It was a far more comfortable encounter and quite nice to be able to raise my head to view a skilled bbbj in progress!