One Friday afternoon at the beginning of last month a plot was hatched via a couple of emails. Before i knew it I had agreed to finally lose my FKK virginity and to head down to Planet Happy Garden in Germany the following day. So 10am the next morning and I find myself nurturing a strong coffee and kali mist haze joint before heading down to centraal station to begin the mission. I had already decided that this would also be a good opportunity to check out the weed scene down in Venlo, en-route, so left any stash I had at home here in Amsterdam.

The train journey took in a change at both Utrecht and Eindhoven before finally arriving in Venlo around 1pm. I had deliberately left early enough to have a stop off on the way and still had approximately 2 and a half hours before my rendezvous across the border. So I exit the station and head off towards the town centre in search of fine marijuana. I had sort of guessed that the centre of town was going to be devoid of any obvious coffee shop type establishment and this proved to indeed be the case. Eventually after some asking about I found myself on the wrong side of the tracks, literally, behind the railway station entering a shop called ‘Nobodys Place’. Now, I suspect that the name derives from the longer version ‘Nobody in their right mind would hang out at this Place’. What a nasty little rat hole this is, like one of the worst red light district dirty coffeeshops, but having spent about half and hour already walking in circles I decided that a purchase here was the only way forward.

The queue for the weed counter was about 15 deep, I kid you not. Stretching back to the entrance and round the corner. Everybody appeared to be brandishing ID of some sort so I fished around for my passport in preparation. 10 minutes later im at the front of the line. ‘Do you have your membership?’ is the first question I get from the harassed dealer. Err, no, my passport. ‘We are a members club, you must buy a membership at the other counter first for 5 euro’. To be fair I should have known better because I had read about this scheme, which operates exclusively in Limburg, before. In resignation I take myself over to the drinks counter (soft drinks only) and start a fresh conversation with the young counter girl who appears to be stuck spending her entire day explaining the membership system in a myriad of different languages. She took down the various details from my passport then handed me a piece of paper with my name and date of birth written on it, a raffle ticket clipped to the corner. This in exchange for a 5 euro note on my part. I was told that if I returned after 7 days I would get my official membership card and that the 5 euro would be refunded to me in weed or hash. Ok, sounded a decent enough system, if I happened to be in Limburg again next weekend which of course was incredibly unlikely. So next I queue again for the weed counter, this time with the piece of paper in hand. By now im eyeing the clock, anxious that I don’t miss my once an hour train connection across the border to Vierssen. When I get back to the front I ask for a pre-rolled hash joint, given that I now only have very limited time and don’t want to carry contraband across the German border and risk spoiling my day out. ‘We are out of hash jointjes’ says the guy. Ok, this is turning farcical. I end up buying a 5 bag of a weed named ‘Sweet Jane’ instead. In fact this guy seemed to have been having a stoner field day when he named his 20-odd different buds as many had wonderfully exotic and inventive names. ‘Nitro’ was another of his personal recommendations. After all the drama of buying a 5 bag of weed I will say that it was a beautiful smoke, really really tasty weed. Reminded me of what Bubblegum was like back in the days when it was nice and actually did have that syrupy Bubblegum taste. It was such a shame that I had to ditch the other half of the bag shortly after id finished speed smoking the joint. And of course what do you know – no sign of anybody on the subsequent train journey across the border. Typical. Lessons learnt here all round – bring own stash next time. I couldn’t stand the hassle of all that again and the shop was totally rancid.

I knew it was too late to back out when I saw the DB train on the platform at Venlo. I was off ‘behind enemy lines’ and no turning back. My train pulled into the station at Viersson after an uneventful 25 minute journey around 3.30pm. My dance partner had already warned me he would be slightly delayed so I sat in the sunshine enjoying the Sweet Jane glow, watching the other passengers grumbling as they exited into the sunshine to wait for their bus connections (the local train lines had engineering works so the substitute bus service was in operation, to the consternation of all and sundry). A short while later Mr.Smokley arrives and we’re on our way into the German countryside. After navigating our way along some remote farm tracks we eventually find our way into the PHG parking lot. So glad I hadn’t brought my Porsche else id have only got confused whos was whos on the way out ;-)

Bing bong! We’re at the door and ive got that feeling I used to get when id go to dodgy flats in London and visit ‘massage girls’ 15 or so years ago. Nervous anticipation you could call it. Shitting myself, you could also say. 50 euros lighter and we’re in the locker rooms and im half expecting Fred and Pepto to come walking round the corner any minute. So now im wearing my ice bear robe and rubber flip flops made for a man with size 15 feet. I must have looked like a young Tommy Cooper as I waddled into the bar that first time. At least sitting down I didn’t look quite such a retard so we pitched ourselves up outside in the sunshine to get downwind of the bbq and in good sight of the passing beauties. I loved the set up with the pool and all the loungers surrounding it. Sat there with a cold beer in hand I felt increasingly comfortable and already felt the urge to get a little action before too long.

We appeared to have caught the attention of a couple of demure honeys across the other side of the patio. Two girls were sat chatting, the one a distinctly MILFish lady with long light auburn hair, suntan and a great set of legs on show. We were soon exchanging glances and I realised my duck was to be broken before we’d even reached the half hour mark. After a couple of false starts of me saying ‘oh fuck, I think she’s going to come over…’ there she was squatting beside my lounger making our acquaintance. Eileen was her name, she said, and she was Turkish German, wearing a pink corset which made her breasts simply sing to me. After making a couple of preliminary enquiries regarding my personal peccadillos and receiving seemingly positive responses I took the plunge and headed off to one of the wendy houses in the garden. By this stage all nerves had been replaced by rampant lust and I was ready to throw myself head first into this hedonistic scene.

In the room things started off pretty well. The kissing appeared really rather light. In fact, if this was a regular girl id pulled on a night out id have come to the conclusion that she had some kind of fear of germs issues as she didn’t seem to want to linger near my mouth. Id cleaned my teeth and everything! So on to a little afternoon dining at the (not so) bushy plate and things started moving in the right direction. She got a lot more into this, as did i. Marvellous – quite one of the tastiest treats id munched on for a while, I can tell you. After my extended ‘lunch’ the lady offered to return the favour, however I was a little surprised to see her covering my dick before she would even begin with the blow job. Not what id been led to believe but before I had a chance to say anything she was on the job and frankly it felt so good that I couldn’t be arsed to challenge her. Just sat back and enjoyed the moment. Of course in retrospect I now think about how I should have protested but there you go. Anyway we went through the card with a couple of fun positions but I was still out before the half hour mark, I know that much. I would see this lady again but id want to be clearer on what I was getting next time out. She went through about 4 costume changes during the course of the day and each time I saw her I thought how damned horny she looked. So, generally happy with my first selection but also lessons learned.

The next couple of hours I spent drinking a few beers, eating marvellous bbq food, chatting and gazing at beautiful girls strolling around in bikinis. Although there were probably 40 odd girls around most of the time there were only a few that I actually really got the horn for. When Smokley returned from his first session with tales of bbbj and a big facial finale I began to feel more and more that I had to redress the balance against my earlier wallen-esque encounter with the covered bj. I was on the prowl for the kind of girl who has everything, well a blond with big tits anyway. Early on in the afternoon I had spotted Maria enter the indoor bar area. Long straight golden hair and torpedos for breasts - she seemed like a nice girl. So I decide to go and smooth talk her a bit and see how we got on. 1.5 minutes of ‘smooth talk’ later and she’s off fetching the key whilst I try to keep my lazy lob hidden within the confines of my robe. This time we headed downstairs to a room with a lovely fresh bouquet of Marlboro. I soon forgot the aroma as Maria relieved herself of her black bikini and stuck her tongue to my tonsils. This session appeared to be going a little more towards the sort of action I had been led to expect. She opened my robe and begun a frantic search within.

This girl has the Dyson signature blow job technique down to a t and im worrying that this could be the shortest session in the history of the Happy Garden. An outstanding visual memory of this girl on her knees still plays havoc with me at the most inopportune moments, on the morning tram etc. I’m glad to say that I managed to hold off from being the three minute hero and once again got through the card with this naughty Bulgarian. She has a body built for sex and a friendly disposition to go along with it. Not for those seeking the nubile young waifs but for the veteran porn fan she could be just what the doctor ordered. In fact im going to tell my doctor back in Amsterdam all about it next time I see her. Mid screw I explained to Maria, between thrusts, that I thought it would be an awfully romantic way to end this loving encounter if I could empty my balls in her mouth. Clearly a fellow romantic she readily agrees. Approximately 2 minutes later we’ve switched positions and Mevrouw Dyson is about to incur the wrath of withnails twin cousins… and she incurred it well, every bit. Geweldig!

I was positively glowing when I returned to the locker room, with my date to find the cash. We parted with another little smooch before I returned to the patio, beer in hand, to contemplate the whole scene once again. Smokley was nowhere to be seen so I started to watch a little of the Bremen football game in the big vaulted bar area. The bbq was still in full swing and preparations were under way for the evening cocktail party beside the pool. I seemed to have caught the notice of a very tall Thai lady who really wasn’t sending me crazy. But she just kept staring, to the point where I was wishing my companion back to save me from an approach. Although there are plenty of other guys in the place and the whole atmosphere is most congenial, it seemed that many were regulars and sat in their little cliques, along with their nominated girls chatting amongst themselves. I surveyed the scene some more to see who else was on offer. In particular a tall, German looking young blonde wearing a black bikini top far too small for her breasts caught my eye. This girl has a body to die for but just seemed to have a sour look on her face the whole time. A couple of times I brushed by her as she stood in the bar doorway but she didn’t seem interested in making eye contact. Such a shame because I loved the way she looked, physically. There was also another lady who kept catching my eye, a MILF of distinction who reminded me of a slightly younger Joanna Lumley. I must admit I had some very rude images in my mind as I watched her strutting around the garden in her green bikini. In the end I decided that I had met plenty of similar women in the Singel red light district and that I really should concentrate on something different here. Especially when I was surrounded by such an eclectic mix of girls.

Fast forward to about 1.15am. The pair of us are sat on the loungers at the far end of the pool, in the glow of the night lights. Sipping beer whilst Smokley waxes about his new found love Deborah in between huge grins. I really felt another session was required before we hit the autobahn. As I surveyed the scene the Thai lady from earlier appeared beside me on the adjacent lounger. So she starts a conversation which somehow segways into her hand worming its way inside my ijsbeer robe and resting itself on my nether regions. She starts working it and the whole scene turns to me talking to Smokley, lager in hand whilst this girl silently pulls me off. For a moment I was back at the Candy Club. She then turns around to position her arse facing me and pulls her bikini to the side, placing my fingers on her pussy and encourages me to stimulate her. I say to Smokley ‘I think maybe im off here’ when in truth im already mid-session right there by the pool. Feeling like Mr.state-the-fucking-obvious I follow my new friend to one of the garden chalets.

This girl is a bit of a tiger. A quirky but fun character who didn’t seem to be getting much action all afternoon. I got the feeling that this girl needed the shag almost more than I did at this stage in the day so just let her take the lead. I was reminded of Taki, a girl I had once known in Leeuwarden, though this girl was younger and taller. Maybe because Taki had been my only previous Thai lady but one to who I had returned several times (although the PHG girl turned out to be half Thai and half Indonesian. Whilst the look of Thai girls doesn’t send me crazy my limited experiences have always been positive. The session ended with a spirited doggy style hard screw where she encouraged me to spank her arse as we went at it. This I did with some gusto im pleased to report. In fact I did wonder whether people could hear all the slapping from outside the hut – im sure they could. Maybe im turning a bit kinky as I race towards 40 but the spanking thing really send me over the edge, especially the way she moaned each time I did it. All in all once again things concluded a little earlier than I had hoped. I lie down exhausted as does she and proceeds to fall fast asleep with her head on my chest. So im lying there, staring at the ceiling of this little Swiss chalet style arrangement, several beers to the good, still buzzing a little from the earlier weed and with a naked girl asleep across me. My reflections at that moment were of having had an utterly marvellous day out, a real treat. We probably lay there for 10 minutes or so before I nudged her awake and, several kisses later, we exit into the darkness of the garden.

So at about 1.45am we exited Planet Happy Garden with full smiles and empty wallets. What a ball we had had! I rolled a nice fat joint of Early Misty for the journey home and we talked 100 mile an hour about the experience we had enjoyed. I guess it was around 5am when we rolled back into the Pijp, our great German adventure complete. I suspect we may be doing it again sometime.

doog!

withnail

Great read Withnail!!!! Welcome to FKK-land.

One of these day you, Wim and myself will have to meet up at Golden Time for some adventuring. I have not hit PHG in several moths but I think that GT is the place in NRW at the moment.

Cheers,

Dedalus

congrats withy. Now, wait till you see a real FKK.

doog
Pepto

lol....nice work inspector!

Withnail meets Wan Li :-)

Great to hear that you enjoyed your virgin trip to PHG. You captured the vibe,,, great report!

Withnail,

Great to see you've hit the road again, mate. Your new-found responsibilities have been cramping your wrtitng style and its marvelous to see you've lost nothing during your sabbatical.

Cheers,

Skip

I'm having difficulty believing its your cherry popped coz I am sure I remember a report with you and Babyguy last year in PHG.

Anyway - should see you in GT sometime.

outstanding report, withnail!

...and I remember the time when even the subject was enough to make you squirm. you've definitely crossed the Rubicon now ;)

-paniked

withnail,

I'm amazed, and impressed, that you found the Cap keys. Gang bang nights and Sauna Clubs... Dang, mate, this nearing 40 thing must be affecting you.

I know absolutely what you mean about the size 15 shower shoes. First time I went Wim gave me a pair of those. You know what they say, the size of your feet indicates the size of your todger. Evidently Wim must have thought that I was hung like a racehorse. After damn near killing myself attempting to walk down the stairs to the shower, I traded those snowshoes in for a pair that I could walk in.

Skip

DELETED

gents, as always it was a pleasure to serve you with what the casa rosso guy calls 'quality sleaze in a nice environment'.

mike, old chap - unless ive been over doing the ganja these past few months this was certainly my sauna club initiation (as pepto says ive yet to join the official big league ;-) baby guy is a nice guy but id remember being in a sauna with him for sure.

skip - if the shoes were an indication of your dick size, the girl at reception must have thought john holmes had morphed into a 30-something english bloke.

im actually most upset that fred hasnt 'marked' my report, after i named it in his honour...

doog!

withnail

"mike, old chap - unless ive been over doing the ganja these past few months this was certainly my sauna club initiation "

As far as I am concerned, the Jury's still out then in that case LOL/

Hello withnail,

I was just settling in after all the dramas at Palace, Goldentime and World....

Thank you very much for the title and the top notch report.

Since mother goose Pepto took Chairman, 420 and I to PHG around Christmas of 2003, this place will always have a special place in my heart.

"The train journey took in a change at both Utrecht and Eindhoven before finally arriving in Venlo around 1pm."

When I take that train solo, I could look out the window and recall the first trip back to PHG with Chairman in January 2004. The snow was still there in Alkmaar, Amsterdam and started to disappear by the time we passed Eindhoven.

"Bing bong! We’re at the door and ive got that feeling...."

Mother goose was telling everyone especially 420, "OK, boys, behave properly or we may not be admitted... I would be pissed if I drive all this distance and...." In my FBI trench coat, I was standing and looking straight like a Red Army soldier. What a relief! All of us were admitted.

"we’re in the locker rooms and im half expecting Fred and Pepto to come walking round the corner any minute."

Into the locker room, mother goose was not happy as he was assigned a locker on the bottom. Luckily, I had a locker on the top and I was happy to switch with him.

"We appeared to have caught the attention of a couple of demure honeys across the other side of the patio."

In no time, Jill from Germany was holding 420's dick for a nice handshake... I went with Vera from Russia.

"Early on in the afternoon I had spotted Maria enter the indoor bar area."

That's the mature Maria from Bulgaria with the ligt blonde hair, not the young one who left PHG for World and then ...

"Mevrouw Dyson is about to incur the wrath of withnails twin cousins… "

By chance, are withnail's twin cousins into tennis?

"In particular a tall, German looking young blonde wearing a black bikini top far too small for her breasts caught my eye."

I was most intrigued in Anua from Germany, one of the twin tower blondes, who I did not get a chance to meet up close and personal until the second trip to PHG with Chairman. In fact, she would like Chairman to join us downstairs, "that's not so wild...."

Thanks again, withnail.

Best Regards,
Fred

Withnail,

If I may add something about the DB train from Venlo to Viersen -

1. you need to purchase two tickets - Venlo to Kaldenkirchen (the first stop) to cross the border, plus Venlo to Viersen. I have seen three or four plain clothes train conductors working as fast as possible for this first segment. They are out in force to get your money. If you fail to purchase the first ticket, you will be fined for 40 euros. No exceptions.

Between Kaldenkirchen and Viersen, you rarely see any train conductors as they all hop off at Kaldenkirchen. They have justified their salary on the payroll.

2. you need to stamp the tickets on the platform at Venlo train station - they may give you some words but that's not the condition to justify the penalty unless they get very hungry.

It's interesting that the ICE, RE, S Bahn, U Bahn in Germany don't have such requirements.

# 1 is a very strange rule that is difficult to understand.

Regards,
Fred the Journey Man from Venlo to Monchengladbach to Giessen (bypassing the ICE train)

appreciate the advice, fred. i love a nice relaxing train journey so the last thing i need is a run in with a fellow (train) inspector ;-)

doog!

withnail

"i love a nice relaxing train journey"

You are most welcome, withnail.

As you may know already, German authority looks into the drugs coming through the border from Venlo on a regular basis. Pepto and Wim were pulled over once. The Wimrocket was searched and it was fine. Over the past 12 months, I had seen policemen with sniff dogs 3 times in the train from Venlo to Viersen. If you look suspicious, they will search you and the little garbage bin near you, along with your luggage, etc. I had seen guys being escorted out of the train without hand-cuffs. In contrast, I had seen policemen only once on the Regional Express between Frankfurt and Giessen.

Regards,
Fred

Great show Withnail - the big foot size 15 (it's 46 in Germany) shower shoes at least give you the feeling that you are living beyond ....
And see all those girls walking by when you are handling your pants in the lockerroom .....

Hi wim- I like the lockerroom at GT much much better. Always a pretty next door neighbor and attractive showermates as well- I showered five times with the same hot little blondine two weeks ago- we kept winking- what a cute little tushie. The closing time scene at GT is unbelievable- many girls rushing to rinse their pussies as all the men get dressed to leave. Kind of makes you dress slower, know what I mean?

doog
Pepto

It's true, I always get my final hard on at closing time : "Gute Nacht Freunde , es ist zeit fur mich zu gehen , wass ich noch zu sagen hatte , dauert eine zigarette -
think I'm drunk, anyway , I have to find my cutie in happy garden .....