The 80-year-monarch and her husband Prince Philip will travel to Amsterdam on February 5, with the official excuse: to attend a service and reception marking the 400th anniversary of the English Church in the city.

There have been rumblings that the queen was planning to reduce her royal duties and overseas engagements because of old age and health worries.

Not so, according to a recent flood of emails received here from a "RylCplUK69" asking such questions as which ladies see couples, the availabilty of other hot couples, the per day room rate for windows, is Casa Rosso still hot, the best coffeeshops, the location of the "covered area", the best S&M trannies, etc.

During a Christmas reception for palace staff, the queen's Private Secretary Sir Robin Janvrin read out a statement affirming that the old dears intend to "drink until they puke at Old Sailor, pursue a walkabout of the Wallen to hurl obscenities and insults at the window prostitutes, and engage in other traditional favourite activities of British tourists whilst visiting the Wallen.

The queen will also visit the International Court of Justice in The Hague but according to Janvrin, "she shan't be put on trial"