While there are plenty of stories about the beautiful temples and wildlife of the country, western media has the occasional field day reporting on the hedonistic debauchery that takes place in Thailand. Unfortunately, sensationalism sells more papers than critical analysis. The truth is that the Thai culture is very friendly (thus earning the title “Land of Smiles”) and not uptight when it comes to recreational and professional sex. Whether this is due to the predominant Buddhist culture, historical factors or some other combination, is difficult to say. While prostitution is technically illegal, it is certainly more than tolerated. While sporadic moralistic crusades take place, they are half-hearted and usually short lived. Given the huge tourist revenues the sex trade generates, the government isn’t too anxious to kill the goose that lays the golden eggs.

If you are not partial to Asian women, Thailand may hold little interest to you. However, if you find yourself lusting after violinist Vanessa Mae, porn stars Tera Patrick and Rikki Lee, model Helen Berger, Playmate Sasha Singleton or the pop duo China Dolls, come on down. While the beauties of Thailand may run the same range as beauties in any other culture, what sets Thais women apart are their small frames, straight black hair, silky skin and well-toned bodies.

What further separates Thailand from many other cultures is the enthusiasm -- some might say aggressiveness – displayed by the professional and semi-professional working women. For us, this attitude is definitely a plus. They are interested in two things, making money and having a good time (not always in that order). Their behavior is so, dare we say non-professional, that you are likely to have a girlfriend experience on most of your outings. Furthermore (and this is a big plus for some of us), old, fat ugly guys seem no less desirable to these women than young, healthy bucks (OK, maybe we’re stretching it a bit there, but we sure felt desirable). One might be tempted to dismiss this attitude as a overwhelming desire for cash, but that’s not the impression you have when in the company of most of these women.

As if this was not enough, the cost of employing said ladies borders on pocket change. You can take your Thai sweetheart to your hotel for the entire night for less than the cost of a fifteen-minute session in the Walletjes! So, if Amsterdam is the adult Disneyland, then Bangkok is like reliving your college days except three quarters of the girls are seriously hot for you and half of them will let you know it in no uncertain terms. Oh, and you’re rich, too.

The Thai currency is the Baht. A hundred Euros will get you around 4000THB. The cost of living in Thailand is minimal. As a result, so are the wages. For girls with little education and few opportunities at home (i.e. farming rice), the lure of working in the city is tempting. Working the sex trade is all the more alluring as these women can make four to ten times as much as their counterparts working in clerical jobs. With pressure from their families to send money home, or as single mothers with children to care for (and we’ve met quite a few moms), many opt for this route.

While the age of consent in Thailand is fifteen, there are some concerns as to what age you can actually fool around. 18 has been the accepted norm, but there’s an awfully lot gray area so you may want to stick to the women in their 20’s.

Thai women look a lot younger than they are. One of our favorite pastimes is playing “Guess her age” where we take a stab at how old she is and she tells us how far under the mark we are. Our favorite was a lady who we were convinced was 21 yet admitted to being 34. As she was dancing in the nude when we met her, we had plenty of opportunity to inspect her in detail. She produced her ID to prove us wrong! (She was treated to breakfast the next morning as a reward.) If you’re not sure as to her age, you’re going to have to see her ID card. The problem is that the Thai calendar is set in the twenty-sixth century so be prepared to do some math. (Maybe they foresaw the Y2K problem 2500 years ago and got an early start on their calendar.)

Bangkok, the sprawling capital, is the most popular destination for those seeking hedonistic pleasures. However, one may be inclined to hit the beaches in Pattaya, just south of Bangkok, or the more heavily touristed island of Phuket on the west coast. The city of Chang Mai, to the north, is another popular destination, but even the smallest towns have their share of adult oriented entertainment.

Depending on the town, amusements can consist of a number of possibilities. Massage parlors can offer different types of massages in addition to the bone-cracking ancient Thai massage. Extra services are usually available, if you know what we mean. If you’re lucky, you’ll find a parlor that specializes in the soapy slide (we’ll come back to that later). The Go-Go bar is usually found in the more popular destinations. Here you’ll find scantily clad (sometimes topless, sometimes naked) ladies dancing -- or at least swaying -- to music while perched atop a stage of some sort. Beer bars are simple venues where you can have a drink and get to know the young women working there by playing pool, darts, or any number of bar games (e.g. Connect 4). Karaoke bars are set up with a TV and sound system where you can practice your vocal styling while in the company of one or more ladies. At the bottom of the list is the beauty salon where you can get a cheap haircut, shave, shampoo, scalp massage, foot rub, etc. You may find other services offered as well.

Allow us to be your guide to each of these venues. Keep in mind that Thailand is whole other plane of existence for those not familiar with what happens there. Get both hands on your mouse and scroll along.

Massage Parlors

Let us begin our explorations with the famous Thai massage parlor. These can range from little hole-in-the-wall joints to multi-story shopping center sized facilities. The smaller places may not provide additional services, so follow your instincts or head for a larger establishment.

The larger parlors are easily recognized by the unique way the masseurs are presented. If you are familiar with the Privéhuis practice of having the ladies introduced to you one at a time, you’re in for a shock here. You enter a large room with subdued lighting. On the other side of a series of glass panels is a brightly lit room with a carpeted amphitheater. Sitting here are numerous attractive women (more than 100 in some establishments!), beautifully dressed and well made up, waiting for you to make a selection. This “fish bowl” is designed to enable the man to make a selection without her being able to see him. (In practice, we have found that ladies can usually see you, but certainly not as clearly as you can see them.)

Depending upon the establishment and the services provided, the women may be segregated by price. Standard massage is the least expensive and has the least appealing women, but you get an outstanding massage. Full service women range in beauty. You get a good massage and you can have terrific sex. The more costly “superstar” category is sometimes seen, but we have yet to determine how this label is applied as the beauty average is not much better than full service providers. We have been told that they tend to speak better English; further investigation is required. What we want (and by “we” we mean “you”) are women providing the body-to-body or soapy massage.

Once you have made a selection, you can meet the lady to make sure you are compatible. You then pay the appropriate fee (from 1000THB to 2500THB) for 1.5 hours of fun. The lady leads you to the massage room and things progress from there. If you’ve selected full service, you’ll get a good massage and some damn fine loving.

Before you die, you must experience a soapy. When you enter the soapy massage room, the lady begins by filling the large bathtub with warm water. You’ll spend a few minutes getting to know each other while you undress. She’ll don a shower cap and usher you into the tub. Kneeling down between your legs, she will commence washing your body. She’ll start with your arms and legs then pull your hips up onto her lap and give your naughty bits a good scrubbing. When she instructs you to stand up, she’ll scrub the rest of you then wash herself (feel free to lend a hand!). You’ll then be instructed to lie on your stomach on a large inflatable mattress beside the tub. While you get comfortable, she’ll be busy with a basin and basket contraption whipping up some frothy suds to spatter across your backside.

Once you are well soaped, the real fun begins. While each lady uses her own technique, this is typically how it goes. She slides her body across yours, massaging your back, bottom and legs. She’ll use her legs to squeeze yours and then slip right under you as you lay on your stomach (we’re still not sure which laws of physics are being broken when she does this). She’ll then have you roll over on your back and apply some more suds. She’ll soon start squirming across your front, leaving every body part squeaky clean. It’s then back in the re-filled tub for a rinse. Ah, but the fun doesn’t end just yet. After toweling off, you make your way to the bed where the massage continues to your mutual satisfaction. If you did it right, you should be in need of another bath after a bit! If you were satisfied with the lady’s performance, a 15%-25% tip is recommended.

Go-Go Bars

A Go-Go bar is a club where the ladies dance on stage. There are usually a number of “Hello Girls” standing outside the bar doing their best to encourage you inside. They are either attractive, persuasive or both (they can also be very young so don’t get carried away). There’s no cover charge so step in and take a look. If you don’t like what you see, feel free to move on.

Smaller bars might have a single small stage with only one woman dancing against a pole. Larger establishments can have two or three stages with a score of scantily dressed women (sometime topless, sometimes naked) on display. Display? Yes, display. You’ll probably notice that they don’t put a whole lot of effort into coming up with some fancy dance moves; this isn’t Flash Dance. The idea is for you to give them the once over, find one you’re attracted to and have her join you for a drink. The women stay up for four or five songs then hang around the bar. Just wait, it gets more interesting.

Some bars will put on a stage show once or twice a night. These may range from very energetic dancers giving it their all (and taking it all off) to activities that would make the proprietors of Casa Rosa blush. We’ve personally witnessed shower shows, women doing fire-breathing tricks and dripping candle wax on their bodies; we’ve heard of other shows involving live sex, vaginal smoking and insertions. It’s the opening of soda bottles, the to and fro transference of the contents of said bottles, and transportation of live goldfish that we’re just a tad squeamish about. However, if that’s your thing …

While you’re busy checking out the ladies on stage, a waitress will take a drink order from you, usually 100THB (less than 3€) for a beer. There’s a good chance one or more women will sidle up and begin chatting with you. It won’t take long before they ask if you’ll buy them a drink, usually a lady drink for a bit less than 100THB. The lady makes a commission on the drinks. If you like her, buy her a drink and see what happens; if you don’t care for her company, turn her down and she’ll get the message. By the way, most of the women in the larger centers know some English, but you may not be able to converse on too many topics.

Once you do find a lady that piques your interest, well, interesting things can happen. The worst-case scenario is that she smiles and continues to talk to you and that’s about it. This is rarely the case. Typically, she’ll move in close to you, caress your arm and shoulder, rest her hand on your thigh and start giving off all kinds of positive signals. The more aggressive women, and there are plenty of them, will be touching you all over, inspecting your equipment and kissing you. In the best-case scenario, you’ll probably have a woman on either side competing for your attention.

Around this time she’ll probably suggest that she’d like to spend the evening with you, and by evening we mean all night and well into the next day. If you haven’t actually passed out from sheer excitement at this point, a few questions need to be asked. If you’re not up for an all night affair, you have the option of going “short time” with the lady. For a nominal fee she’ll lead you to a small room in the establishment where you can, uh, become better acquainted (if the place isn’t set up for short time visits, she’ll know of a nearby hotel specializing in hourly rates). Otherwise, you’re interested in going “long time” with her. The next question you need to have answered is the cost of her “bar fine.”

A “bar fine” is a fee paid to the establishment for you to take the lady out of the bar. It is suppose to represent the money she would have brought in had she stayed in the bar. However, they are usually required to bring in about a half dozen bar fines each month so this is a source of income for the bar. Bar fines usually range from 200THB to 500THB or more depending on the establishment. After paying up, she’s yours for the night. You can stay in the bar and watch the show, or she can change into street clothes and take off into the streets with you. The two of you can visit other bars, play pool, have a bite to eat (she’ll appreciate that) go to the movies, whatever you want or as she might say “Up to you!”

One other question that you may need to consider is how much you are willing to give her for her company. While it might feel like a real date and she might genuinely like you, you will be expected to pay her. This is how she makes a living after all and a substantial tip is expected. Unlike the Netherlands, you may not have to negotiate everything up front. We have had the occasion to discuss price prior to bar fining a lady, but our experience is that the more sought-after women can pick and choose their dates for the night and often do so based on the money they could earn. If you pick a lady who is not drop-dead gorgeous, you may find that she is quite happy to trust you to pay an appropriate fee the next morning. We urge you not to betray that trust for two reasons: you’d be a schmuck for not helping her and she may raise a scene (you can experience a lot of things in Thailand, this is one you do not want to experience). Go-Go girls expect to get between 1000THB and 2500THB. If you’ve pulled home a stunner, you might consider paying a bit more if she was good to you (and it’s still a bargain at twice that price!).

Beer Bars

A beer bar is sort of like a Go-Go bar but without the Go-Go girls. It’s usually really small and it’s often located outside with few walls, just a roof. In fact, wherever you find a Go-Go bar, there are usually several outdoor beer bars plying for your attention in the same location. Beer bars don’t normally have “Hello Girls” as the ladies greet you themselves. They may call you to join them for a drink or chat, or they may boldly come right out into the street and attempt to physically drag you along with them. It’s not uncommon to have a woman from one bar pulling on your right arm while a woman from a neighboring bar is tugging on your left. It’s all in good fun so keep your attitude aligned accordingly.

Once you’ve found a bar you like, or more likely a group of ladies with whom you are inclined to spend a bit of time, join them for a drink. As in the Go-Go bar, you’ll be asked if you’d like to buy a drink or two for your hostesses. Again, these ladies earn money by encouraging you to drink and buy them drinks. If you’re generous, you may find the affection of the ladies increasing.

Before you’ve finished your first drink, you’ll undoubtedly be asked if you’d like to play a bar game. This may include strategy games (e.g. Connect 4) at which these women excel, games of chance (usually with a drink on the line) or games of skill like the tower blocks. This provides a chance for you to get to know each other; especially important when communication is a bit of a struggle. If there’s bar food in the vicinity, be prepared for the possibility that she’ll try to feed you (like popping a couple of peanuts in your mouth). This feeding behavior indicates her interest in you. By returning the gesture you are signaling your interest in her.

If you think you’ve found a compatible companion for your nocturnal enjoyment, offer to pay her bar fine and take her out. Beer bar fines are usually around 200THB (about the cost of one large Heineken back at the home office). Again, just as with the Go-Go girls, establish whether or not you want to go short time or long time. Setting the price before or after is up to your intuition. In more remote locations you can get away with 500THB while city girls expect about 1000THB. If she’s especially nice to you, pay accordingly. What you pay depends on a lot of factors, but you may want to avoid being labeled a Cheap Charlie.

Karaoke

You’ll probably walk right by some of the lower end karaoke joints without even realizing it. These places consist of a small, single room off the street with a karaoke machine blasting away. Clutches of women are probably lounging around outside enticing you in. It doesn’t usually look all that inviting. The higher end places can be very classy joints with prices to match. Some provide private rooms with your own machine and hostess, while others have a variety of rooms, possibly including a communal area. Note: if the joint is classy and there are a lot of Japanese around, high tail it out of there unless you are prepared to pay some serious money.

Karaoke can be a lot of fun, even if you can’t sing. Half the fun in the larger places is watching others perform. The other half of the fun consists of the ladies who are by now sitting on either side of you, touching you and giving off signals. They’ll keep you company and chat with you, and encourage you to buy drinks of course. Depending upon the establishment, they may or may not be available for short time or long time engagements. If one of them interests you, be discreet and ask her if she’d like to go somewhere else. At that point you can either take your turn and belt out a song or take her back to the hotel room and introduce her to your personal microphone, if you know what we mean.

Freelancers

There are plenty of ladies with boring and/or low paying jobs looking to make some cash on the side, especially when the bills come in at the end of the month. It might take a bit of work on your part to find them, but they are generally found in discos or clubs frequented by foreigners and not employing working girls. How do you spot them? Well, let them spot you. If you find a lady giving the once over and smile, move in and see what happens. There’s always a chance you’re being hit on by a girl out for a good time so just follow her lead. If she doesn’t bring up the subject of money, it does not means she’s not freelancing. It is good manners for you to leave her some taxi money the next morning. Don’t forget, she makes a pittance while you are a very wealthy man in her country; you can afford a bit of generosity. A 1000THB note slipped into her pocket will be greatly appreciated.

There are streetwalkers in the city, but given the abundance of well-established entertainment venues, why take a chance? You can always track down a woman who works at a bar, should the need arise.

Back in your hotel

Once you’ve decided to return to your hotel, you may have to deal with the front desk. If you are staying in a guest-friendly hotel, she need only leave her ID with the desk. Don’t worry, this is as much for your protection as theirs. If you are in a guest un-friendly hotel, they may charge you an additional fee to have a visitor or they may bar entrance entirely. Before you check in, establish the hotel policy. In the box that indicates the number of guests, enter 2.

In your room, the first thing she’s likely to do after checking out the place is to disappear into the bathroom for a shower. You won’t see her for several minutes as she gets cleaned up for you. Cleanliness is of utmost importance to the Thai ladies. When she comes out, towel wrapped around herself, it’s your turn to wash up. Take your time and scrub yourself pink. When you return to the room, she’ll be under the sheets and the lights turned down (or off if she’s particularly shy). Prepare for a night of fun. If she’s particularly turned on, you can go for along as you can keep it up. The next morning you can usually go for another round or two if you’re not completely knackered.

Once more to the showers (and you might find her more willing to shower with you this time) then get dressed. This is good time to casually slip some money into her bag or pocket. She might suggest that she could accompany you for the day if you like. It’s up to you, but at this point it becomes a cross between a date and a guided tour. You’re under no contractual agreement, but it’s only good form to buy breakfast and lunch. She may also talk you into buying a gift or two for her, so be prepared. The working girl’s life is not terribly exciting so you do prove a distraction for her if nothing else. Follow your instinct; if you like her, spend the day with her. She’ll need to get back to the bar by a certain time, unless you plan to keep her again that night (something she’ll definitely appreciate).

This introduction is just that, an introduction. You’ll find plenty of information on the net, some good, some bad. Our favorite is from a guy called Stickman (www.stickmanbangkok.com) who really tells it like it is.

Some tips

Don’t let her loose face.

This is vitally important to the lady but quite bewildering to Westerners. If you take a girl out of a bar one night, don’t go back any time soon (or ever, some might say) and take out another lady. Don’t even go to the bar next door. Your first lady will loose face big time. If you discuss it with her before hand, you might get away with it, but even then it can be risky. (Just imagine how you’d feel if your ex-girlfriend started dating your next door neighbor. It’s something like that for them.)

Bring your own condoms

Good condoms are expensive so the women may not have the best. The local condoms are built for men with a, um, smaller frame. Don’t take any chances, bring more than you thing you’ll need and leave the remaining condoms for her. She’ll appreciate the gesture.

Fancy a threesome?

You’d be surprised how many ladies are willing to share you with another woman. While you might not have a porn star experience, how often have you had the opportunity to wake up in the morning with a sweetheart cuddling up on each of your shoulders? Find a girl willing to go for a threesome and let her identify potential partners for the two of you.

Feeling kinky?

Women willing to perform anal sex and bondage can be found, but they’re not readily identifiable. Make discrete inquiries and tell the lady your interests up front. If she’s not into it, she may know someone who is. There are a few establishments that specialize in this sort of thing, so ask around.

Give her a gift

Every working girl appreciates the gesture of a gift. For some reason, many of the ladies here are absolutely bananas over stuffed animals. If you like a particular lady and want to do something nice for her, a teddy bear is a safe bet (the bigger the better).

Taxi scams

You may find taxi drivers waving massage parlor pamphlets at you as you walk the streets. Most massage parlors are subject to the old taxi scam and you’ll pay as much as 1000THB extra if you let them take you. Standard operating procedure: direct the driver to a nearby location and walk.

Don’t fall in love

It happens and it’s not pretty. These women make you feel so special that you may be tempted to establish a long-term relationship. Don’t. There are more heart-rending stories of foreigners falling for Thai girls than we care to know about. We won’t go into it here, but suffice to say that there are many broken men and bank accounts as a result of